


Synchronised (Now and Forever)

by lucidliving



Series: The Many Lifetimes of Stefan and Colin [4]
Category: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Death, HIV/AIDS, M/M, Multiple Timelines, POV Third Person, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 14:05:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19021462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucidliving/pseuds/lucidliving
Summary: In one lifetime, Stefan died in 1987. In the next one over, he doesn't.Life can be hard, but at the same time, it can be so beautiful that you can hardly stand it. It's reasonable to portray a little bit of both.





	Synchronised (Now and Forever)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm back. 
> 
> this work deals with hiv/aids. please, if that triggers you in any way don't read. it is never named, but it is pretty clear what it is.
> 
> i wrote this due after i did research on the art of the aids crisis, and it aims to be as respectful as possible. after all, this is a story set in the 80s, and it, despite being a mainly american issue, was also a tragedy that affected the british lgbt community.

In one lifetime, Stefan died in 1987.

There was a small funeral for family and friends, his death wasn’t spoken of much. He was simply buried in a local graveyard with a regular headstone in a remarkably regular way. In a way, after death, Stefan became more normal than he’d ever been alive. An extraordinary man in death became just another body.

Colin was at his funeral. He was publicly Stefan’s close friend and colleague, and in private something that was no one else’s business. He was one of the first to arrive, and helped Stefan’s dad with most of the arrangements. He paid for almost all of it. After all, he had the money to do so. Stefan probably wouldn’t want it but Stefan wasn’t here.

Stefan’s father was distraught. Colin didn’t know him well, really. Stefan never spoke of him and when he did it was usually with venom, spitting out his words as if they were acidic, burning through the skin inside his mouth. Colin learned very quickly not to discuss it. Avoiding topics was one of Colin’s strengths, after all.

But meeting the man here, he empathised with him. He was here with Colin and they had both lost Stefan. The only difference was, Colin knew this wasn’t final. He didn’t want to tell Peter this. It wouldn’t be fair. Besides, it’s not like he’s in any sort of loop.

Hearing him cry for his young son was hard. The man had lost his wife, and even if he hadn’t been kind to Stefan, he had still loved a part of him. Stefan refused to see him during his dying days, because he didn’t want his father to see him in that state. He knew it would break him. He was probably right.

Stefan’s funeral wasn’t anything fancy at all. People showed up and then went to a local hotel for food afterwards. People cried, Colin didn’t. Colin chatted and consoled, and he gave weak smiles and listened to stories about Stefan but he was consistently okay, compared to Peter who was devastated.

After the funeral, and after Stefan was buried, Colin went home. He watered the plants in their home and he opened the windows and started to get used to the lack of Stefan in the home.

Of course, Stefan’s death this time wasn’t unexpected, Colin had seen the signs coming from a mile away because this had, of course, happened before. This scenario was painful, and Colin hated it, but it was a part of life. He had been there with Stefan while he died. On the edge of the bed, waiting.

Stefan had been consistently getting worse and worse for months and they both knew the ending to this story. He didn’t tell Stefan about the loop this time. They’d had a particularly nasty fight ending in a permanent break up in the previous life and Colin was being cautious. He didn’t want Stefan to know if he didn’t already know.

The walls of their bedroom was a pale blue when Stefan died. Colin painted over it. It was the exact same colour as Stefan’s hospital gown.

The amount of times he’d seen Stefan die was too many to count, and it pained him to try, but situations like these were always the hardest for Colin. Watching Stefan waste away over time. He comforted, he promised Stefan he’d get better even if Colin himself knew that wasn’t the case. Stefan never bought it anyway. He was naive but he was smart. 

He had good humour in his last days even if he was scared. He couldn’t understand why Colin wasn’t.

He never asked why Colin had accepted it so early, he never inquired. Colin knew it was fatal from the beginning. He still took care of Stefan as long as he could, and even when Stefan was too ill to stay home, he stayed with Stefan in the hospital most nights. He fit into the hospital bed and kissed his neck while Stefan complained he didn’t want Colin seeing him this way.

Stefan spoke more than ever. As if he wanted people to know, he had been holding back his stories for so long that now he realised if he didn’t tell anyone now, they’d go with him to his grave. Colin would go along. Some stories he already knew, there were always overlaps in Stefan’s past throughout his lives, but some were new. 

Stefan told stories of his family members. “You know, when I was younger my grandpa used to tell me I’d find a wife and I’d love her more than anything in the world.” He laughed, “He told me all about love. Romance and stuff. I was shocked, you know? And a little scared, having to spend the rest of my life with a girl.”

Colin smiled, “That didn’t really work out I suppose?” Stefan shook his head.

“He told me, though, when I loved someone, the greatest thing I could do with them was grow old. Love only grows stronger with age.” His smile grew sad, “I’m gonna miss that part.”

Colin kissed his forehead, guilty that he knew Stefan had grown old with him countless times. He wanted to tell but decided against it. Stefan wouldn’t believe him now, with only weeks left. He’d think it was just another thing Colin was saying to comfort him. 

Stefan was a fighter, and he’d go out kicking. He didn’t embrace death like Colin did. To Colin, death was an old friend he greeted with open arms. A hug and a kiss, what’s that between old pals? Stefan wasn’t like that, he never was.

They’d fought over it, obviously. Stefan refused to welcome the inevitable, even if he knew what was going to happen. Colin knew more than Stefan did about life and death, and he couldn’t blame Stefan. He really couldn’t. When Stefan screamed at him, when he shouted, and cried, begging for Colin to be even slightly angry, he couldn’t explain why he wasn’t.

After Bandersnatch, Stefan had released a few more games. He had a few in progress that Colin said he would finish for Stefan. He’d have a legacy, Colin knew this. For his life and for his death. Maybe in twenty or so years he could discuss how he loved Stefan, and how he’d loved the man. For now, they were just good friends with a shared passion.

After Stefan’s death, it was reported on. Not many details. They, of course, knew how he died. It had a name now, at least. They didn’t report on how he caught it, they’d rather not. Instead only writing about his games. It was a fair way to send him off. Colin made a statement saying he’d finish all of Stefan’s remaining projects and everyone was comfortable with that.

Colin loved Stefan, and he’d get on to the next life sooner or later, he just had some things to sort out, Stefan would understand. 

The last thing Colin ever said to Stefan this time around was, “I’ll see you later.” It wasn’t an uncommon goodbye. A snarky remark, or a light joke. This time it was sincere. He always forgot how much saying goodbye hurt, because it was always a given he would see Stefan again anyway. But his heart was torn out equally as painfully any time he watched Stefan die.

No matter how concrete the future was to Colin, seeing it was torture. The weaker Stefan got physically, the weaker Colin was mentally. He saw himself as fragmented, a smashed mirror with thousands of tiny shards to put back together. Whenever he tried to, though, he just got cut, staining red everywhere.

He thought Stefan probably knew.

Kitty supported him through this. Of course she did, she was his best friend. She’d been close to Stefan too. She never spoke much of Stefan, didn’t think it right to speak of folk behind their backs. She just offered support and a shoulder to cry on. Some nights that was exactly what Colin needed.

There was a melancholic undertone to the apartment now, a ghost in the walls. The phantom sat on top of kitchen counters and lay in bed with Colin. Sometimes, when Colin woke up he could swear someone was kissing him. But he opened his eyes, and there were only the walls, newly painted green, and the ceiling.

He didn’t hate life, not really. After all, despite everything, Stefan wasn’t his whole life. They didn’t have an entire life centered around each other. It was never like that. They weren’t always together, after all. They broke up, they died, they separated. They lived without each other. That’s why Colin often moved on, anyway. 

Stefan often called them soulmates. Colin didn’t know what he would call them. They were two clocks, ticking away in time, two light bulbs shining brightly next to each other. However, these things broke. A clock falls out of time, and a light bulb will dim. But at one moment in time, they were perfect lovers.

Sometimes Colin felt like stopping his own clock, and this lifetime was just one of those times.

After all, things had gotten sad and he’d finished Stefan’s games and he didn’t really particularly feel like going on much further. There was no real intrigue here, and he’d probably die anyway, after all. He was just wondering if he’d do it now or in a few months time, or if he’d let nature take its course and kill him whenever it was felt to be necessary.

In the end he still died. This lifetime included.

It didn’t really matter when or how, all that mattered was that now he was moving on to his next life.

***

In the next lifetime, Stefan didn’t die in 1987.

He lived beyond that, and he was happy. He had Colin by his side and he was content. The walls were still a pale blue, and Stefan said it reminded him of Colin’s eyes. It was love.

He remembered the time before, with ease. He was a little pissed at Colin for not letting him know about everything, the loop and other details, before, but he didn’t care all that much. All he cared for were the days he spent in Colin’s flat, lounging on the couch and reading books he had read a thousand times before. It felt like home.

On mornings Stefan would wake up and kiss Colin, and feel like the luckiest man alive. He would remember the pain he was once in like it were a far off dream, and he would hold Colin closer. It was romantic, like he had once been promised as a young child by his grandpa, even if it were slightly unconventional.

His life with Colin was great this time around, as if it were straight out of novels. Colin would take him on holidays and trips, places like Paris where Stefan would point at any statue in pairs and tell Colin it was them. They’d go to the woods and Stefan would stare at the birds and think of how simple life was now. How he was alive.

Colin was always a great boyfriend. Stefan was glad to call him that, rather than the vague terms. No more friends, colleagues, roommates. Boyfriends. The thrill of affection whenever Colin smiled at him, or kissed him, or held him, or fucked him. He couldn’t help it now. Stefan had what he’d desired. A soulmate.

Stefan got to continue his work too, more games for years to come as the systems upgraded and improved. His name was out there as one of the greats along with Colin. He was proud of himself and proud of his work. He had lived for this for so long, and to finally achieve it was worth more than words could say.

Successful games were released and they would congratulate each other, and they would lie in bed all day to reward themselves for working hard. They’d collaborated on projects, they worked together. It was impressive and incredible.

It was soft like satin, and Stefan let himself be content with his life. He accepted things more than he ever had. His neurosis didn’t go away, of course, it was a part of life. But overall, everything improved for him. It was the sweet tune of victory, for him, a gorgeous melody he’d been waiting to hear for lifetimes.

He liked it when he remembered the past. Colin said it was a burden, but Stefan didn’t agree. He thought it was helpful he knew how the world would change, how he could live. That the years spent lying about himself were all so silly, that he could love men. It was powerful to him. Not to Colin, who was bored of it all, but Stefan didn’t mind.

Stefan, despite the fact he did remain closeted publicly, wanted everyone to know he loved and how he loved. He wanted them to count the minutes he and Colin spent on the phone to each other, to read the letters and the postcards and understand that what existed between those walls was incredible, and it was life changing, and that it was beautiful. Most importantly, it was theirs.

There were clues of their life left around the house, the books and the magazines, the small notes they left each other and the food they bought. They left dishes unwashed sometimes and the bed was unmade. It was this cliche domestic situation Stefan had dreamed of for years as a young kid but had finally obtained, and he couldn’t be more delighted.

There were sad days, and there were the days where Stefan felt worthless, but they were barely worth noting in the grand scheme of his life, either way. He was a happy man, most of the time. Even if things didn’t always go as planned.

He was successful in his chosen field, he had a boyfriend who loved him and of whom he loved, and he was alive, and surviving. He’d lived through much, much worse. He would live through worse, again, too. Most likely. He didn’t mind, he would continue to enjoy what he had at the time, and continue to accept that things were good, and he was happy.

He aged with Colin, as time passed. They didn’t break up, even if they fought occasionally. They were strong, and Stefan loved this. He loved to see Colin slowly phase out the bleach because he was ruining his hair, and slowly start to shed his nerdy twenty something look to become a serious adult, with Stefan following soon after.

He liked the comfort of the routine in their lives, the home they shared and the walls they were used to. The windows and the view, the morning routine, and the nightly routine. Staying up late to finish a game while the other kisses him goodnight, heading to bed. The dinners and the afternoons, the way they worked together. It was Stefan’s ideal life, right there. 

As he watched Colin age, he realised his grandfather was right. Growing old with Colin was truly the best thing Stefan could do, and their love strengthened as time went on. The fondness grew with every wrinkle. He was so grateful he didn’t have to miss this part. The clocks ticked to the tune of their own melody, as they imprinted time with the sweet taste of victory. He gave credit where credit was due.

They came out publicly, eventually. Not many people outside of the industry and the fans knew of them, but it was a nice thing to do. To admit what they had been practicing and perfecting for years, their best collaboration yet! Stefan was proud of it, all he’d created for himself in this lifetime.

They were old men together. They complained about the times and told tales of their younger years to whoever would listen. They spoke of the places they’d seen and the people they’d known and how they’d done it all together. Their love had lasted throughout it all. It was an achievement for men of their time.

Stefan held Colin as he slept, the same he did as a young man, and still felt that thrill. The raw feelings that had coursed through his veins at the beginning, wanting to burst out of his skin, staining his clothes red like passion, like love. It had never left, despite all the years that passed. They truly were soulmates in his eyes.

Eventually, of course, one of them still died. Where there was life, there was always death. Stefan didn’t fight it this time, however. They had gotten everything they needed from their life, time had been so kind to them, allowing their romance to span over the course of decades.

They remained to be those twin clocks, those two lights. One will stop working before the other, but they were so thankful for the time they were synchronised. When they die, the clocks are reset, the lights are turned back on. Ready for another go. They are perfect lovers once again, glowing brightly for the world to see.

So, they die. It is accepted and they are loved. The bedroom walls are still blue, because they remind Stefan of Colin’s eyes rather than his hospital gown, and the phantom doesn’t walk the hallways and there is no melancholic undertones. Only acceptance and a willingness to have another go at it.

***

In this lifetime, Colin and Stefan will love.

They will learn how to, and they will do so. They will see the rivers, and the statues, and the birds, and they will live beautiful lives. They will be with each other and they will take their time accepting the secrets and stories. They will be happy, at some points. That’s what truly matters.

And if you don’t truly understand Colin and Stefan’s love, if it’s all too confusing, all you have to do is find the place where there are two twin clocks on every wall, ticking in time together, and where there are two bulbs shining brightly in harmony rather than competition. If you see those perfect lovers then, maybe, it will all make sense.

**Author's Note:**

> i really hope you enjoyed this, despite it being sadder than a lot of my previous work. this was heavily inspired by the art of the aids crisis, primarily keith haring, david wojnarowicz, and felix gonzalez-torres. as a gay person, i feel it's important to acknowledge the unfairness of how our community has been treated, and sadly, in the 1980s, it had a very large body count.
> 
> that being said, i wrote this in one night because i needed to finish something. i have another bandersnatch wip, but it won't be finished, and if it is don't expect it for a while. i've been extremely busy with exams these past few months, and i can finally write again. i hope you enjoyed and i intend to continue writing, even if it's not bandersnatch
> 
> my tumblr is famousprophetsstars if anyone would like to contact me with requests of any type, or general questions. or if you just want to follow and see what im like lol.
> 
> please comment and say what you thought because it means a lot !


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